Of life and feeling lost in a loop of happiness and sadness

Lack of Control

Years go by, perspective shifts but my loop of happiness and sadness still seems to exist. Lately I feel much better about it, like it's a part of life that I have no power to change. Like standing at a train station and waiting for a train that is running late. Nothing that I can do will make the train arrive any sooner.

I would start getting angry and nervous and thinking how I was wasting my time just standing there. I was living in the future, while standing in the present and getting troubled by the past. Worrying about things that don't even exist yet. Having no control always seemed to scare me. Being of control of things always gave me safety.

Chase of Control

So I thought: If I can control my emotions to the fullest I can always be happy and live life to the fullest, right? I will be the happiest human that has ever walked this planet. A joyful bit of energy that will spread happiness out into the world. If I remove sadness from my life I won't have to worry anymore. I tried to chase that thought of mine without thinking it through. And well I also succeded in getting better at it, the control your emotion bit atleast. The outcome of that journey wasn't the thing that I looked for though.

The result was an emotionless state. I forgot how to feel on the way to battle sadness. To this day I think that my feel of emotions is duller than for most people. I went from chasing control of my feelings to chasing any emotion I can get. This emotionless state even if it hasn't bothered me for a time period has hurt my dearest friends without me realizing it.

Bliss in Sadness

What I realized is that without sadness there is no happiness. Without light there is no darkness. Without evil there is no good. It sounds obvious but it took me way to long to realize that. Without being an Idiot at times you don't cherish your bright moments I guess. If I would feel pleasure and happiness all the time, would I still be able to enjoy it? I dont think so, I think it will become boring and dull after some time.

I always viewed sadness as this "bad thing" that should be eliminated. But sadness is a good thing in a cruel kind of way. If I feel sad it means that I care about something so much that it triggers an emotion in me. It implies that I got happiness from it. What follows is learning how to deal with it. It's still the emotion that is the hardest to deal with for me though. The deep sadness that is triggered by loss of someone or something is such a powerful consuming emotion that seems to be impossible to deal with. Once you pull through what follows at the end of the way is usually calmness or happiness though.

Relearning how to feel again

These days the thing that I chase the most is experiencing my emotions like I used to. Lately I feel that the work I put into it started to show more and more. I feel bursts of emotion again and have never enjoyed life as much as I am doing now. I was never so thankful to the universe to be able to experience all this.

Thanks for reading through this brain dump, I hope whoever is reading this is doing well. It's still hard for me to share this thoughts but even if this thoughts can reach one person that is troubled by life it will be worth it.